The Angel Who Longs for Death

The Angel Who Longs for Death

Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt a heavy wave of disappointment just because your eyes opened again? When the breath you draw doesn't feel like a gift, but rather an extra burden you have to carry for one more day?

If you have reached that point, and life feels like a boundless, empty corridor, perhaps there is one last strategy you can play. An old myth we often hear at funerals: "The good die young."

That sentence sounds like a promise, doesn't it? Like a loophole in the rules of the universe.

So, I began to change myself. Not because my heart was suddenly filled with love, but because I wanted my "ticket home" to be expedited. I decided to become the kindest, gentlest, and most utterly sacrificial person possible.

I started listening to my friends' complaints, holding their tears, even when my own tank was cracked and struggling to hold back the flood within my chest. I smiled at strangers, gave my last change to beggars, and forgave those who stabbed me in the back.

People started looking at me with admiration. "You have the heart of an angel," they would say. "You are too good for this world."

They didn't know. They didn't understand.

Every good deed I performed was my way of silently screaming up to the heavens: "See, God? I've been good enough. I'm no longer angry. I've forgiven everything. Am I qualified for You to take me now?"

I burned myself out like a candle, hoping the flame would be large enough to consume my wick quickly. I gave pieces of my soul to anyone who asked, with the hope that if I gave everything away, there would be nothing left of me to remain on this earth.

But the saddest part of this performance wasn't my pretense. The saddest part was when night came, and I was still here.

My body was tired from constantly doing good, while my soul was dying from the endless wait. I became the most beloved person in my circle, yet the loneliest person inside my own room.

So, if you see someone who is excessively kind, whose smile never fades even though their eyes look dim, hug them. Ask how they are doing.

Because it is possible that they are trying to win a race toward death, hoping their kindness is a shortcut to stop feeling the pain of breathing. They are doing good not to save the world, but to save themselves... from the world.